Bad Wonderland

The story so far.

Signed up for school, finished Online Orientation, applied for financial aid and CalFresh, and went to RCIA like a good baby Catholic.

Quit another job that exacerbated my chronic pain. My anxiety skyrocketed this month. Unfortunately, the antidepressant prescribed by my doctor made me nauseous. Going to talk about it next week during my follow-up for new asthma medication.

Stepfather rolled out of town again for another round of gratuitous self-pity while he devises new methods to break my mother’s heart. Compulsive liar, narcissistic, paranoid; I wouldn’t call him a sociopath, but sometimes I wonder. The only thing I miss is my stepbrother.

Thinking about adventures.

It hurts when it ends. It hurts, too, when it never happens.

Something deep about mountains.

It’s disturbingly easy to underestimate my own abilities. I always want to climb the mountain until it’s front of me.

Misery loves family.

I have a “I don’t really like them, but they’re the best I can get right now so I’m just trying to make this work” relationship with my family.

The state of things.

There’s more truth in innumerable stars than in the neighbor’s mouth, more hope in a lion’s den than a friend’s backyard.

Watching the news with my parents.

Somehow, people have created a society where it’s completely commonplace not only to prey on the weak, but to incapacitate groups of people for the purposes of preying on them. To tell you the truth, I can’t name key examples of how and why. It might be related—was my social awareness culled in grade school? It’s like knowing someone is deathly ill, everyone insists it’s not a big deal, and I don’t have any medical expertise to help them myself.

Feminism—an idea devoted, though practiced in a variety of good and harmful ways, to total social equality—is a dirty word in a lot of places, but hurting women and other vulnerable groups of people is “just how the world is,” and we say those words with the same casual, tired, but ultimately unaffected tone we’d have if we informed someone during light conversation we were planning to visit family for the holidays.

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